Madsy and I were having Beo-pangs. This is the result. Ish.

(Okay, first of all, Voldy was defeated before he went after Lily and James. Yeah just go with it. L and J aren't dead, Sirius didn't go to Azkaban. Peter isn't WHEE!BAD. Still Beo-verse. Yeah go with it.)





Sirius is asleep on the couch in the living room, face down, arms and legs everywhere. Across from him, the television set that they got to appease Lily (as well as Sirius's random fetish for football) is still on, but muted.

One of his feet (in cute little socks with a hole in the toe!) twitches, hitting the coffee table. Vivian walks into the room and smothers a laugh with the back of her hand. A small snore escapes from the man on the couch.

Vivian creeps over to the couch and lays her head next to his, eyes wide and unblinking, before shouting "GUESS WHO!?"

Sirius jerks awake with a yell and turns most of the way over. Propped on one elbow, he blinks at her, half asleep.

Vivian sits down on the table in front of the couch and props her feet up on side, wriggling her toes.

'Nice of you to wake up.'

'Oy.' Sirius scoots into a proper sitting position, and rubs his eyes. 'Was that necessary, love?'

'You were sprawled out like some sort of....sprawly thing.'

'That's 'cause I was sleeping.' He looks around. 'What time is it?'

'I have no idea,' Vivian replies.

Sirius yawns. He appears to want to go back to his nap. 'Oh. Well. Where's the midget?'

'Your son is over at Lily and James' playing with Harry,' Vivian responds hotly, rolling her eyes.

Sirius looks slightly confused. 'Did I know that before I took my nap?'

'Yes you did.'

'Oh,' Sirius mumbles, turning pink.

Vivian slides off the coffee table and onto the couch next to Sirius, miffed, and stares at the muted television.

Sirius, looking guilty, tries to put his arm around her. 'Sorry about that, Vivi.'

She throws his arm off, irked.

'It's not like I got fat so you could forget where the damn thing is, Sirius,' she sniffs.

'You didn't get fat, you got big,' corrects Sirius, as if this distinction matters. 'And it's not like you don't forget things when you've just woken up, either.'

'I have no idea when he is coming back,' admits Vivian rather guiltily, and shoots Sirius an apologetic look.

Sirius looks scandalized. '... You left my ONLY SON at the mercy of JAMES POTTER'S SON, and you HAVE NO IDEA WHEN HE'S COMING HOME?'

'YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE WAS!'

Sirius ignores this.

'HARRY WILL SLAY HIM!'

'HARRY IS A GOOD KID....except for that time with the bunny...'

'HE'S JAMES'S KID!' Sirius insists, pretending to not have heard the comment about the bunny.

'And he's corrupting my son!'

'Sirius, you corrupt your own son well enough,' Vivian smirks.

Sirius opens his mouth to say something, thinks better of it (actually just realises that he has nothing to say), and closes it again quickly.

Vivian adopts a smug look and wriggles a bit so that his arm is over her shoulders.

Sirius grins and pulls her against his side. 'It just dawned on me, Vivi...'

'What just dawned on you?'

'We're alone!'

'No midget!'

'No midget!' he agrees, leaning down to kiss her.

As soon as his lips met hers, the fireplace on the opposite side of the room sprang to life. A small, black-haired little boy tumbles out, apparently quite pleased with something he's clutching in his hands.

(*maniacal baby giggles*)

Sirius groans loudly. '... Midget.'

Vivian tries not to sigh as she arches her neck to regard her son.

'What've you got there?' she eyes him, slightly anxiously.

Christopher holds up the toad in his hands. 'Look, Mummy! Harry let me have it.'

'Harry, or Uncle James?' asks Sirius suspiciously.

'Bring it over here, love, and let Mummy see it,' Vivian says suspiciously.

'Yes, brilliant idea. Let's see it, pumpernickel,' instructs Sirius, sitting up.

Christopher manages to get to his feet without dropping the toad and ambles over to the couch. He drops it on Sirius's lap.

'HOLY FU--'

'SIRIUS!' Vivian slaps his arm, eyeing the toad warily. Sirius grits his teeth and picks the toad up. Christopher smiles and blinks innocently at them.

'Isn't it purdy, Daddy?'

'It's lovely. It's also purple.'

'C'mere, love,' Vivian says, picking Christopher up and putting him on her lap. She wonders what Sirius is going to do with the toad.

'Where'd Harry get this, Pumpernickel?' Sirius demands, hold the toad up to his face and staring seriously into its eyes.

The toad croaks loudly. Christopher whispers something into his mum's ear, and then buries his face in her neck.

She raises her eyebrows.

Sirius looks at her. 'What?'

'Is James...breeding anything?'

'... Why?'

'He said he found it.'

'... Oh.'

The toad croaks again, and Sirius glares at it.

'He's going to have to give it back.'

Christopher lets out a whine.

Sirius sighs. 'I don't like toads, 'Nickel.'

'But...I like them, Daddy!'

'Daddy doesn't,' Sirius says sternly, conjuring a glass box to put the toad in. 'And besides, you're only allowed one pet.'

The toad looks extremely annoyed to be inside the glass box. It squelches angrily.

'Daddy, I want a toad!'

'NO toads.'

Christopher face scrunches up, and Vivian senses trouble.

'Daddy's afraid of toads,' she whispers in his ear, and Christopher giggles.

She sticks her tongue out at Sirius.

Sirius rolls his eyes but doesn't comment. 'We're giving the toad back to Harry, Christopher.' A clock chimes loudly in the kitchen.

'What if Uncle James is afraid of toads too?' asks Christopher.

Vivian tries not to laugh.

'Um,' mutters Sirius, 'I don't think Uncle James is afraid of anything.'

'Except Aunty Lily.'

'Well yes he is afraid of her,' agrees Sirius, nodding vigorously. 'But then I'm scared of... Nevermind.'

'What are you scared of, Daddy?' asks Christopher with wide eyes.

Sirius leans over and whispers seriously, 'Giant mutant crabs. And your mummy.'

Christopher looks terrified at the prospect of giant mutant crabs. Vivian gives Sirius A Look.

Sirius grins innocently at the both of them and stands up. 'I'll just be taking the toad back now...'

'Mummy, I'm hungry,' states Christopher, turning to look at her.

'What do you want for dinner, love?' Vivian asks, standing up and resting him on her hip.

'Popcrown!' cries the little boy, as his father disapparates.

Vivian raises her eyebrows as she walks into the kitchen. 'Okay, popcorn it is then.'

Christopher smiles. 'With jelly?'

'Jelly!?'

'Uncle James told me that Daddy likes it that way.'

'I think Uncle James is lying, Christopher,' Vivian smiles, popping popcorn with her wand.

'... Oh. Well, then can I have cheese on it?'

'Sure thing, pumpkin.'

She hands him a bowl of popcorn and sets him down on the floor. Christopher grabs the bowl and drags it over to the pantry. He opens the door, shoves the bowl in, walks in, and closes the door on himself.

'Daddy doesn't get any!' Christopher declares through the door.

'I'll keep him away!' Vivian assures him, laughing at the insanity that Sirius seems to have passed on.

'GOOD.' Christopher's head pops out of the closet for a moment, to stare seriously at his mother. 'He can have toast.'

'With ranch dressing?'

'Yes, Mummy.'

'Okay, I'll make sure that's what he eats.'

The door closes again.

A pop from the living room announces the return of Sirius.

'Duckies?' he calls.

Vivian pops into the living room, holding a slice of toast and ranch dressing behind her back.

'Ah, darling.' He slides over and gives her a kiss. 'Where's the midget? Is that popcorn I smell?'

'You're not allowed to have popcorn,' she laughs, handing him the toast and the ranch dressing. Sirius stares at it.

'... What the hell's this?'

'Your supper.'

'... Excuse me?' Sirius looks quite incredulous.

'Your son has commanded that you eat that for supper,' she smirks, slipping back into the kitchen.

'... What...'

'EAT!'

Sirius follows her into the kitchen, frowning. 'I'm not eating this! It's TOAST!'

'It's also food.'

'It has Ranch dressing on it!'

'So!'

'Toast is like, the werepuppy's thing! And the chipmunk's!'

'Haggle with your son.'

'... Where is he?'

'In the pantry. Don't go in, though,' she adds.

Sirius blinks. He glances at the closed pantry door. 'In the pantry?'

'Yes,' Vivian's eyes twinkle as she leaves him at the door and makes herself spaghetti.

'Why can't I go in?' asks Sirius.

'He doesn't want to share,' she calls over her shoulder.

'My son is hiding in the pantry to avoid sharing his popcorn with his father?'

'Of course.'

'... But I WANT popcorn!'

'It's got cheese on it,' she adds unhelpfully.

Sirius pouts. Vivian rolls her eyes.

'I want popcorn. With Napoleon Brandy.'

'NO!' comes the sudden protest from the pantry.

'To the brandy or the popcorn?' Sirius asks the pantry.

'POPCORN!!' wails the pantry.

'Okay, I'll have brandy for dinner.'

'Isn't the brandy in the pantry?'

Vivian tries not to snicker madly at the look on Sirius' face.

'I can buy more,' Sirius informs the pantry loudly. 'And I can buy Goblin Water, too.'

'Goblin Water?!' Vivian snaps her head around and stares at him. 'But--'

'But...?'

'I want some!'

Sirius looks down his nose at her. 'You're not allowed any. Not after the incident...'

'Don't look down your nose at me, Sirius,' she hisses, glaring at him and storming over. 'I want some.'

'We don't have a babysitter.'

Vivian sputters and stares at the pantry. 'Make James do it. Or Remus. Or someone.'

'I'm not a baby!!'

'You're four!' Vivian reminds the pantry.

'I want to be five!'

'Next year, love!'

The pantry whines.

'Five year olds don't whine!' Vivian informs the pantry.

The pantry growls.

Sirius looks thoughtfully at the pantry. 'Remipoo isn't busy tonight. Let's send it there.'

'Should we ask him or just...drop in,' Vivian whispers to Sirius.

'I say we Floo the midget over with a note pinned to him. Remus'll understand.'

'Dorcas will enjoy him,' Vivian rationalizes, scribbling a note down on a spare bit of parchment.

'Yes.' Sirius is staring at the closet. 'How do we get him out?'

'Are you done with your popcorn, Christopher?'

'Andy is helping me eat it.'

'Your friend Andy?'

Christopher's head pops out and he glares at Vivian. 'Andy the flour bucket. You know.'

'Oh yes of course.' Vivian looks slightly embarrassed.

'I remember Andy!' Sirius declares, inching toward the pantry door.

'Christopher, darling, come out.'

Christopher considers this. 'Are you going to send me to Uncle Remus?'

'...do you want to go see Uncle Remus?'

'Uncle Remus doesn't give me as many sweets as Uncle James.'

Vivian gives Sirius a Can-You-Help-Me-With-This-I-Want-Goblin-Water-Grr look.

'Aunty Dorcas gives you more sweets than Aunty Lily, though,' Sirius counters reasonably. 'And besides, their banister is more fun.'

The pantry is silent, thinking.

'They have more fluffy things. And there won't be another kid for them to pay attention to...'

'Okay.'

Sirius nods. 'Come on, then.'

The pantry door creeps open, revealing Christopher clutching a half-empty popcorn bowl.

'Do you want to take the popcorn?' asks Sirius courteously, stooping to pick his son up.

'You can have some, Daddy,' Christopher offers, holding out the bowl with both hands.

'Thank you,' says Sirius, gently pulling the bowl from his hands and passing it to Vivian. 'Let's go get your jammies and things.'

He picks up Christopher and tosses him over one shoulder. Christopher giggles and clutches the back of Sirius's shirt.

Vivian places the bowl down on the counter and follows Sirius into Christopher's bedroom, making faces at her son. Christopher giggles more, sticking his tongue out at his mother.

Passing through the living room, Sirius enters Christopher's bedroom and plops his son down on the bed. He grins. 'So, what pajamas do you want this time, kiddo?' he asks, ruffling Christopher's hair.

Vivian rolls her eyes at Christopher's hair with his now sticking up in odd directions, and gets his toothbrush from the bathroom.

'I want the blue ones.'

Sirius waves his wand at the dresser and a pair of tiny blue footed-jammies with Bludgers on them come whizzing out. Christopher watches as his father puts them in a little duffle bag, picking his nose. Vivian tosses his tooth brush in the bag too.

Sirius waves his wand again, summoning a little mock-sailor suit outfit, which goes in the bag, along with underwear and an extra pair of socks.

'Vivi, where's his dog?' Sirius asks his er girlfriend, turning his head to her. Christopher is staring at his parents with an oddly thoughtful expression.

She bends over and peeks under the bed, before pulling out a large stuffed black dog.

'Here it is.'

'Kay.' Sirius adds this to the bag. 'That's everything, right, kiddo?'

'Mummy, Daddy,' Christopher pipes up suddenly, 'Can I have a sister?'

Vivian tenses up and looks at Sirius.

Sirius gazes at his son with surprise. 'A sister?'

'Yeah,' Christopher nods. 'Harry said he wanted a brother, and he got one. I think it would be better to have a sister, and... you'll let me have one, right?'

'Why do you want a sister, darling?' Vivian asks him, not sure of what to say.

'Because Harry said she'd look like you.'

'Look....like me?'

Vivian is perplexed.

Christopher nods again, crawling towards her on the little bed. 'Yeah. 'Cause I look like Daddy, if I had a sister she'd look like you.'

'Why do I let you talk to Harry, again?' Sirius demands, grabbing Christopher off the bed. The bag is swinging from his other arm.

'Time to go see Uncle Remus and Aunty Dorcas!' singsongs Vivian, trying to avoid the subject. Christopher makes a noise between a whine and a giggle.

'Mummy can't sing.'

Sirius carts the little boy into the living room, where he stops in front of the fireplace.

'Mummy can too.'

'Where's the note?' asks Sirius, reaching for some Floo powder from the teacup on the mantle piece.

Vivian runs back into the kitchen and reappears clutching the note. Christopher looks at it. 'Will they be able to read it this time?'

Vivian huffs slightly. 'I can read it!'

'Last time Aunty Lily said she couldn't understand you,' Christopher explains, reaching for the note as Sirius sets him down.

'Yes well--'

'That,' Sirius replies, in the tone of one imparting a great secret, 'is because Aunty Lily knows your daddy very well, 's all.'

He tosses the Floo powder into the flames. 'Time to go, kiddo.'

Vivian gives Christopher a kiss.

'Be good, love!'

Christopher sloppily kisses his mother back. 'Kay Mummy.'

Sirius kisses the top of Christopher's head gives him a little hug.

'Say hello to Uncle Remus and Aunty Dorcas for us!'

'Kay Mummy.'

Sirius pushes Christopher into the fireplace, stating as he does, 'The Lupins!'

The fire returns to normal.

'There!' chirps Sirius, looking at his girlfriend. 'No midget anymore!'

'Goblin Water???'

'YES!' Sirius jumps up and starts for the door. He stops abruptly. 'Oh.'

Vivian looks at him.

'I forgot.'

'You forgot what?'

'I have some already!'

Vivian's jaw drops, her mouth open. '...where!?'

'In the hall closet. I was hiding it. For your birthday.' Sirius dashes into the hall.

Vivian sprints after him. 'Open it faster!' She smacks his back rather excitedly.

There are a few hats on the floor, as Sirius is sweeping everything off the shelf at the top in order to get to the Goblin Water. Apparently, he put it all the way in the back of the closet.

'I can't reach it.'

Vivian makes a mad attempt to climb UP Sirius to the Goblin Water, but succeeds only in stepping on his foot and clawing at his bicep.

'WANDS!' she shrieks, and fumbles to find hers. Or Sirius'. Or Someone's.

Sirius's, which fell out of his pocket when she tried to climb up him, is next to her foot. She bends down to grab it and shoves it into his chest, pointing madly and flailing, all at once.

'ACCIO, WOMAN!'

'Accio Goblin Water!'

Five bottles of Goblin Water come soaring out of the closet. Sirius squeals and catches ALL of them.

'FIVE BOTTLES?' Vivian looks elated.

'... I was planning on celebrating.'

'...shall we....drink them all?'

Sirius looks like he's considering this one. 'Um, yes. Definitely.'

Vivian opens one and takes a rather un-lady-like swig. Suddenly, she jumps on Sirius' back and digs her heels into his sides.

'To the couch, faithful steed!'

Sirius sputters indignantly, almost dropping the Goblin Water. 'Wha...?!'

She wraps her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck, piggy back.

'I said to the couch.'

'Fine!' Sirius makes his way to the couch. 'You're abusing me!'

Vivian flops down the couch, smiling broadly and drinking from her bottle. Sirius opens his own bottle and, giving Vivian a faintly put-out look, downs a quarter of it in one go.

'Why're you put out, Siriusloffkins?'

'You were abuuusing me. 'I am not a steed!' Clearly, Sirius and Vivian do not get that much time alone, with Goblin Water.

'But...' she trails off for a moment. 'I like riding you!'

'I was carrying something already!' Sirius huffs and has more Goblin Water. 'And you didn't ask.'

'Well if you're going to be huffy about it...' She scoots away from him on the couch, sulking.

'Awwww come back.' Sirius follows her down the couch.

She sniffles. 'Why are you mad at me!?'

'I'm not mad at you!' exclaims Sirius, climbing over and snogging her. 'Why are you moody?'

'I....I want pickles and peanut butter.'

Sirius sits back and stares at her, swigging Goblin Water absently. 'What!?'

'Pickles. And peanut butter. I want them.' She takes a swig of the Goblin Water.

'... Why?'

'Because I do.' She gives him a very angry look.

'That's a weird thing to want...'

'NO IT'S NOT!'

Sirius stares at her, his bottle slipping at little. 'Vivian...'

'What?'

'You're being weird.'

She's sidling up next to him and burying her head in his side. 'I am not!' She looks slightly hysterical. 'I NEED PICKLES AND PEANUT BUTTER!!'

'You are too. You're snapping, and demanding food and... how much have you had!?' Sirius is looking rather greatly confused.

'Just a little,' she hides her almost empty bottle from him, eyes watering.

Sirius yanks the bottle away from her and examines it critically. 'Vivian.'

'What?'

'Why are you demanding a weird food combination?'

She tries to snatch the bottle back. 'BECAUSE I WANT IT GOD DAMN IT AND--'

She trails off, staring. 'Oh bloody hell.'

'... And?'

She wanders off with her wand. Sirius narrows his eyes at her. Re-capping the Goblin Water, he makes to get up and follow her.

She is mumbling to herself in their bedroom. And prodding herself with her wand.

Sirius stops in the doorway. He looks concerned. 'Vivi love?'

She keeps mumbling and prodding and occasionally swearing loudly.

'What are you doing?' Sirius demands, marching over and grabbing her wand.

She doesn't look at him.

'What's going on? Don't make me guess.'

She doesn't say anything.

'Vivian Iona,' begins Sirius very sternly, eyeing her calculatingly, 'Have you been eating funny mushrooms?'

'No.'

Something seems to occur to Sirius. 'Are you... pregnant... again?' inquires Sirius seriously, in a very small voice. Vivian wails and falls over, bouncing a bit on the mattress.

'Are you?!'

The pillow muffles her response.

'Vivian?'

'Yes,' she whispers.

There's a long pauses. '... Oh.'

She blinks at the wall.

Sirius stares at her, shocked. 'I guess the Goblin Water should wait, then,' he mumbles wistfully. Vivian gives him an irked look, because she really, really wanted the Goblin Water. 'You know you shouldn't!'

'I won't,' she sighs, irritated with her uterus.

Sirius sinks down onto the mattress and crawls up next to her, wrapping his arms around her. 'I'm sorry,' he whispers.

'Sorry for what? Knocking me up?'

'Well, no,' he admits. 'I wouldn't really mind another Siri-Vivi midget, if you want me to be honest. I like knowing that we've done something that amazing, together.

'I'm just apologizing about the Goblin Water.'

'I hope it's a girl.'

Sirius chuckles. 'Christopher would like that.'

Sirius has reduced her to tears. She hates herself for resenting the evol fetus for ruining her Goblin Water fun.

Sirius cuddles her tightly and kisses the side of her neck. 'Are you okay, Vivi love?'

'I suck at life.'

'No, you're wonderful at it,' Sirius assures her. He smiles. 'I should know.'

'You're wonderfuller at it!' she insists.

'Am I?' Sirius thinks that maybe talking about himself will distract her from her. She slides down so she can rest her head on his chest.

'Remember that time with the bicycle rack in London?!'

'... Vivi, I'd had so much Goblin Water that time, I couldn't even see straight.' Sirius sighs. 'Yes, I remember the bicycle rack.'

Vivian giggles. 'It was funny.'

'It was embarrassing.'

She smiles up at him and plays with the hair at the nape of his neck. 'I thought it was funny. I don't think the mango vendor appreciated it much.'

'Pssh, who cares? He was rude to you and Lily.'

'He had a mango stuck on his head, Sirius. I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.'

'... His head? I thought that was his shirt...'

'No, it was a very large mango, and it was stuck over his head. He kept running into things.' She pauses. 'Then again, you kept running into things too.'

Sirius giggles. 'I was piss-drunk.'

'You passed out on James.' She giggles a bit more.

'Yeah, I remember being yelled at for that one.' He gives her a squeeze.

'You interrupted his apple strudel!'

'He never liked strudel much, anyway.'

'Hey Sirius?'

'Mm?'

'We only have two bedrooms in this flat.'

Sirius stares at the ceiling, frowning. 'You're right.'

Vivian squeals.

'Why are you squealing?'

'IF I HAVE A GIRL I CAN DRESS HER UP WITH BOWS AND RIBBONS AND LACE AND IF IT'S A BOY, HE AND CHRISTOPHER CAN PLAY QUIDDITCH WITH HARRY AND BE BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE!!'

Sirius is amused. 'Yes but if you have a girl, we have to move.'

'...you're ruining my fun.' She sits up, giving him an irritated look. 'And I'm horny now. And if I ever see a pickle again, I will vomit.'

'... You can still dress our girl up in ribbons and bows, and our son can still play Quidditch with Harry and Christopher.' Sirius ignores her last comment.

'You know, you look funny in yellow.' She is eyeing his boxers, which happen to be yellow.

'What color do you prefer?' he asks, not rolling his eyes.

'What about...mesh?' She grins devilishly.

'Mesh is not a color, dear.'

She pokes his boxers with his wand. They become mesh.

'Now it is.'

She pokes them again and they start to glitter. One more poke and they start to sing, and she falls over laughing.

'... Please don't do that, you make me nervous.' He takes his wand away from her.

'Your boxers are singing!' she informs him, just in case he missed the memo.

'I heard.' He grins, but waves his wand so his boxers shut up. 'It's our bedtime, I think.'

Vivian slips off of the bed and into the bathroom and returns wearing an oversized Appleby Arrows shirt. Sirius just takes off his shirt and kicks his socks off his foot. 'You look lovely,' he grins.

She burrows into the mass of blankets on their bed, her head poking out barely, mess of curls on her pillow.

'Yes the potato sack look is hot.'

'Only on you.'

She blushes red.

'G'night love!'

He kisses her softly. 'G'night.'